Brain Training Challenge

Spiritual Humor Presents - Brain Training Challenge

[Narrator introducing skit]: Ah, yes, here we listen in as Frank spends another mind-numbing weekend in front of the TV.

Frank: [kicking back in his favorite recliner in front of the TV with a large potato chip bag in his lap] Hahahaha… that Lucy sure is funny. Let's see what is on next. [flipping through the channels] The Body Snatchers, that might be good.

[A commercial comes on] Are you just sitting around the zombie tube again? Yes, we are talking to you in front of the TV. Have you ever wondered what it was like to actually get off your duff and do something positive for yourself? Well, now is your golden opportunity. The Inner Illumination Team has now officially started the Brain Training Challenge. Give them a call and start getting full use out of your brain for a brand new you. Just think about the confidence you will build along with all the admirers of your new brain. We challenge you to call now, 1-800-123-4567, that's 1-800-123-4567. Yes, pick up the phone in your hand right now and dial those numbers. It could change your life!

Change my life? Admirers? I am getting a little paunchy around the midriff here. I could use a way to meet some new people. I think I will give them a call and see if they would even let me participate in that Challenge of theirs. Let me see, what is the number again?

[From the TV] That's 1-800-123-4567, call right now!

Thanks…huh? [We hear the phone dialing] Hello, yes this is Frank. How did you know that? You say that is just a sample of what I might be able to do when my brain gets fully fired up? That's pretty cool. Would you even accept me into your Challenge thingy? What? Just go down to your office for an interview? Okay, where are you located? Uh huh…is it near a bus line? Okay, great, got it.

[At the Brain Training Challenge office for an interview]

Catharsis: Frank, please tell us why you would like to enter our Challenge program.

Frank: Well, quite frankly, I do not like myself. Maybe this will be a way for me to gain some self-respect, to do something positive for myself. I could probably never do something like this on my own, so this would probably be the perfect opportunity for me.

Catharsis: It is not going to be easy. You will have to commit to this like you never committed to anything before. In order to get your brain in shape for the Challenge you will have to learn how to eat what is good for your brain, develop a regular exercise routine, and learn to apply some other special techniques we offer here. Is this something you are willing to commit to fully?

Frank: Your team will be there to help me every step of the way right?

Catharsis: Yes, that is part of the Challenge. Everyone who enters the program will get individualized attention.

Frank: Then I think I can do it. When do we start?

Catharsis: Looking at your schedule, we can do an evaluation on you right now, give you some paperwork to look over at home, and get you started tomorrow night at 7.

Frank: This is so cool! I cannot wait to get started!

Catharsis: Just one word of caution before we go any further Frank. Do not let the new you go to your head. Naruto, please measure Frank's cranium and do a full evaluation on him. I will see you later Frank. Welcome aboard!

Naruto: Okay, Frank, we measure your dome right now. Just sit still while I place the tape measure around your head. Ah, very good. You already have big head. We will see how much it grows during the program. Now please step over here onto this scale…

[Later during a training session]

Naruto: Okay, now flex left butt cheek while touching nose with right hand, and then count backwards from 100. Tighter, tighter [ugh]…that's it. I answer any questions when you through with this.

Frank: Naruto, I don't understand why I am doing so many weird things. Can you explain it to me?

Naruto: You have been doing things badly for so long we have to trick your mind into working properly again. The exercises here help to decondition your mind to free it to learn new and better things. Now we send you to Zhi where you get poked with needles!

[While Frank is at home]

Frank: Boy, I sure am getting a good workout over there at the Challenge. I might even be losing weight. All this working out does make me want to eat more though. I think I will just eat these potato chips. It is against the Challenge program guidelines but they will never know.

[Phone rings] Hello, oh hi Catharsis. What am I doing? Oh, I was just about to eat something. Am I going to eat a bag of potato chips? Well, uh, how did you know? I see. Really, I did not know that the hydrogenated oils that make the chips greasy are not good for me. Okay, I will look for something else to eat. Thanks for calling.

Man, those guys are really on the ball over there. I don't think I will be able to get away with anything that is not in the program guidelines. Well, it is in my best interests.

[A month later]

Catharsis: Frank, you have been here a month and I see you are really making some progress. How do you feel about yourself now?

Frank: I feel great! I am in the best shape I have ever been in and look forward to each day in what new and interesting things it may bring.

Catharsis: It is always wonderful to see someone have a new lease on life. In a few months we will announce the winner of the Brain Challenge to a live audience. Before you go, I just want to remind you to not let all of this training go to your head.

Frank: What does that mean exactly? Isn't the purpose of the training to improve the way my brain works?

Catharsis: Yes, improving the way your brain functions is a key part of the challenge training. However, many people may also grow a large ego along with improving the way their brain works, and that is the thing I am cautioning you about.

Frank: Ah, well, I feel great about myself and I do not see me having a problem with my ego at all.

Catharsis: Very well, Naruto, please start the new training phase with Frank here. Frank, I will see you later.

Naruto: Let's get to work Frank!

[Two months later]

Naruto: Your dome is much bigger since we started your training…very interesting. Your dome may be the biggest one here.

Frank: You mean I have the bigger brain than the Inner Illumination Team members and the other Brain Challenge participants?

Naruto: We really cannot confirm the actual size of the brain without a brain scan, but the size of your dome is the biggest of anyone here.

Frank: Well, that just confirms my decision then. I think I can handle the rest of the training on my own. Afterall, I do have the largest head and I don't think I need to take instruction from those who do not have as big a cranium as me. Why I may even start teaching my own brain class now! The next time you see me will be when I am at the ceremony to pick up the grand prize. Later, Naruto.

[At the Brain Challenge award ceremony]

Catharsis: And now for the moment you all have been waiting for. The winner of the Brain Challenge program is….[drum roll]…Frank! Frank, step on up here and claim your award buddy.

[Frank walks up on stage]

Catharsis: Please say a few words to the audience about your achievement and what it means to you.

Frank: Hello all. Before I started this program I was just a lazy bum but now look at me. I have the biggest sized cranium of anyone here, maybe even the world! I made so much progress that I actually took over my own training. If anyone would like to know how I did it, you can see me after the ceremony to set up a training schedule.

Catharsis: Everyone please give Frank a hand for a job well done. [audience claps] That's great Frank. Now, we were going to present some free training in other areas along with the golden brain award. But, the Team has decided that you may not benefit from the training since you have outdone us all. So, we have decided to give you a choice in receiving that or the new extra grand puba prize. What do you say, audience, should Frank get the new prize? [cheering and applause] What do you say, Frank?

Frank: Like you said, Catharsis, I would probably not benefit from the other training since I am such a brain master so I think I will take the puba prize.

Catharsis: Very well, in order to get the wonderful prize you have chosen please pick up that green phone right there and your prize will appear to you.

[Frank picks up the phone and everyone starts hearing a noise and seeing lights descending down to the stage area. The audience gasps.]

Frank: What is this?!

Catharsis: Why this is the grand puba prize Frank!

Frank: No, it can't be. I don't believe it. You mean I did all this work just to leave with some ETs? If I knew that, I would have just stayed on the couch. Help me, help!

[Frank is lifted up into the alien ship.]