Catharsis Saved by Generous Chimpanzees

Spiritual Humor Presents - Catharsis Saved by the Generous Chimpanzee

[Narrator Introduction] Kailoken, Catharsis, Waneta and Addison are on their way to do some volunteer work and put on a seminar somewhere in the deep South.

Catharsis: Kailoken, are you sure we are on the right road to this place?

Kailoken: It is a little difficult to tell from this map if this dirt road is heading back to the main highway after having to take that detour due to the flooding. However, I do sense we are heading in the right direction, and will soon get involved in an interesting experience.

Addison: Okay, everyone remember what area of the country we are in and do your thing. You might want to slow down a bit there Catharsis.

Catharsis: I am only going four miles above the speed limit. Too late, here they come.

[Police siren is heard]

Waneta: Cool, now we get to play!

Catharsis: Hello officer, is there something wrong?

Police: Boy, do you realize you were speedin'? Everyone keep your hands where we can see them.

Catharsis: I did not realize I was going that much over the speed limit, officer. I will tell the car rental place to check the speedometer when we turn it back in.

Police: Yes, you might want to do that. For now, let me see your driver's license, registration and proof of insurance.

Catharsis: I have to reach into the console here to get some of that paperwork officer. Is that okay with you?

Police: Do it nice and slow.

Catharsis: Here you go officer.

Police: You folks stay in the car while I go check this out. Henry, keep an eye on them.

Officer Henry: I got 'em covered, Joe! Don't nobody move and everything will be just fine.

[Minutes later]

Officer Joe: Well, there are no warrants out for you at this time as far as I can tell. Anyway, what kind of name is Cat-ar-sees? And why do you only have one name? Are you one of them A-rabs or somethin'?

Catharsis: I can assure you I am a home-grown American, officer. I have the name I have because it gets people's attention.

Officer Joe: You certainly got our attention, boy. Now, I want everyone to slowly step out of the ve-hi-cle and line up against it. Your name has given me probable cause to search you and the vehicle for any of them terrorist bombs and such. Cover them good Henry!

Addison: [whispering] Waneta we don't need this simpleton groping you, so take off when Kailoken creates a distraction and stay close without the officers noticing you. I will give you the signal when to meet back up.

Waneta: [whispering] I will catch you later guys. Don't cause too much trouble!

Addison: Okay everyone let's do what the officer says. Officer Joe, this man here is deaf and dumb. He may not fully understand what is going on so please don't shoot him if he makes any unusual moves.

Officer Joe: You four just get your hineys out of the ve-hi-cle and keep your boy straight there. Henry, get the shotgun for better coverage.

Officer Henry: You got it, Joe.

[As Henry goes to get the shotgun, Kailoken gets animated and acts out]

Officer Joe: Hurry up with that shotgun Henry! You fellas settle down now or I will have to resort to using force!

Officer Henry: Okay, I got 'em covered with the shotgun now Joe. Hey, what happened to the woman?!

Officer Joe: Why she's right there! Huh, where did she go? Where did your woman friend go?! Henry, cover them while I search the vehicle and the surrounding area.

Officer Henry: Okay, Joe, but don't take too long. These guys look like a shifty bunch to me.

[Minutes later]

Officer Joe: That is the strangest thing. I cannot find her tracks anywhere. Alright, everyone take your identification out of your pockets nice and slow and lay it on the hood of the ve-hi-cle. I am going to search you one at a time and I suggest that you don't move a muscle.

Catharsis: Officer Joe, sometimes my butt cheeks twitch especially when I get nervous. I hope you don't go shooting them off or anything like that. I wouldn't want you to pull a Rodney King on me.

Officer Joe: Did you hear that Henry? We got ourselves a smart aleck here. You boys keep your mouths shut unless I ask you a question.

[After everyone is searched]

I see we have another one of them one-named characters here. What's his name, Ka-I-la-cone?

Addison: It's pronounced Kailoken, Officer Joe.

Officer Joe: And you must be Addison Arthur. You are the only normal looking one here. Did these two kidnap you or somethin'? You can tell us, we got them covered now. I bet they kidnapped you and forced you into their plans. Why, I bet they even used that woman to seduce you and then kidnapped ya! Am I right?

Officer Henry: That sounds like a good theory Joe, I bet they did!

Addison: Actually, Joe, these fellas are two of my associates and we were heading down to do a seminar when you pulled us over.

Officer Joe: A seminar, a seminar on what, bomb makin'? <laughs>

Addison: When you searched the car, did you find any bomb making or other strange things that a terrorist might use?

Officer Joe: No, but that does not mean your friends here are not terrorists. I am going to have to take you fellas in. I have to warn you that we do things a little different around here in these parts, so don't get too comfortable. Henry, cuff 'em and load 'em up for transport.

Catharsis: I got shotgun, I mean I got the right side!

[Addison makes a signal for Waneta to follow in the rental car. Later at the police station]

Officer Joe: Well, we ran all of you through the database and you all check out clean. Kailokone and Addison are free to go. We will have to take Catarsees here before the magistrate since he was speedin'.

Catharsis: Officer Joe, can't you just give me a ticket and let me go? This will cause us to be late for our seminar.

Officer Joe: I told you fellas we do things a lil' different around these parts. You infracted the law and you have to pay the price. Henry, take him down before the magistrate.

[Before the judge]

Catharsis: Your honor, I was only going four miles over the speed limit. Can you just give me a fine to pay so we can get out of here?

Magistrate: Catharsees, you broke the law and as I am sure Officer Joe informed you, we do things a little different in this County. We will have to set an example with you so that others don't just think they can speed along our roads thumbing their noses at us. What we have here is an opportunity for justice and we will put you on trial.

Catharsis: On trial? People do not usually go on trial unless they commit a felony. What kind of backwater hillbilly place is this?!

Magistrate: Boy, just for your information we are a ways from the Ozarks. We take our laws very seriously here. Quite frankly, we don't want your kind here and by the time we get through with you I am sure you will never be back. <laughs> But I tell you what, since I am feelin' good today I am inclined to give you a chance.

Catharsis: Oh, what chance might that be, judge?

Magistrate: We will let you pick the jurors for your trial. The only catch is that you have to pick three members of this community.

Catharsis: Do you have any people of color in this community, your honor?

Magistrate: I am afraid you are out of luck there, boy. Some of our most upstanding citizens just happen to be in the court today. You can start picking three for your jury.

[Later as Catharsis is questioning the potential jurors]

Catharsis: Sir, can you tell us what your occupation is?

Scholar: Why, I am a science teacher at the local high school.

Catharsis: Do you teach the theory of evolution in your school?

Scholar: Why we don't believe in that stuff here!

Catharsis: Judge, I have questioned all of the people here and frankly, I am not comfortable with any of them being on my jury.

Magistrate: You can pick any three members of this community. Please make it quick!

[Addison whispers something in Catharsis' ear]

Catharsis: Judge, you said I can pick any three members of your community?

Magistrate: That's what I said, boy.

Catharsis: Do you have a zoo here?

Magistrate: Why yes, but what has that got to do with anything?

Catharsis: You said I can pick any three members of your community and it has come to my attention that you have some apes in that zoo. I will pick three of them!

[There is a raucous in the court]

Magistrate: Order in the court! <laughing> Why, apes aren't humans, son!

Catharsis: I would rather take my chances with the apes than with anyone here, judge.

Magistrate: How would you propose we go about having some apes trying you for speedin'?

Catharsis: Give each ape two chips, each one of a different color. Select one color for guilty and one for innocent. The color picked most of the three is the verdict.

Magistrate: Well, this is most unusual but it may be good for a laugh or two. Officer Joe, go with Catharsees here to choose the three apes and set the trial up for tomorrow at the zoo. The court is now in recess until tomorrow.

[Later at the zoo]

Addison: Waneta, please communicate with the apes and let them know what is going on here. This will be an opportunity to show everyone just how intelligent they really are.

Waneta: Oh, Addison, this will be so much fun! I'm on my way.

[The trial is about to begin]

Catharsis: Addison, did you have Waneta communicate with the apes?

Addison: She has you covered with the animals as usual. Don't worry about a thing.

Magistrate: This court is now in session. Catharsees, I understand you picked three apes as your jury is that correct?

Catharsis: Yes, your honor I did.

Magistrate: I understand that officer Joe has the chips in front of each ape's cage for when the time comes. Yellow will be for innocent and blue will be for guilty.

Catharsis: Judge, there seems to be a mistake. There are several chips of the blue color and only one yellow for each ape. That's not fair!

Magistrate: <laughs> Well, look at that…you're right! You see I figured that if the apes really wanted to pronounce your innocence they will pick yellow regardless of how many blue chips there are. For good measure, all the apes have to pick yellow for you to go free today. Shall we proceed?

Catharsis: I don't think I have much of a choice in the matter. At least this way I have an opportunity at some justice.

Magistrate: Very well then, please make your case to the apes.

Catharsis: Hello, fellow brethren, distant cousins of mine. [ape sounds] As you may have figured out by now, I am in the clutches of these highly intelligent humans and I have chosen to throw myself upon your mercy.

I do admit that I may have pressed down on the gas pedal a little too much as I was traveling through your esteemed County. Most people may have made the same mistake of going at the dangerous speed of four miles over the speed limit. [ape sounds]

I ask that you have compassion on me at this time and to declare my innocence by picking the yellow chip in front of you. This will also give you the opportunity to let these fine folk here know how intelligent you really are.

Magistrate: Are you done with your pleading Catharsees? Okay, I will play along with this charade not that it will make any difference of the outcome. Alright you ignorant apes, this man is guilty of breaking our laws here and we ask you to fine this man guilty by picking a blue chip. [ape sounds] Officer Joe, let ape number one have access to the chips now.

[The crowd is curiously mumbling…ape sounds]

Officer Joe: Ape one picked yellow judge!

[Crowd reacts]

Magistrate: That was just pure luck. Let ape two have the chips now.

[The crowd anticipates…ape sounds]

Officer Joe: Your honor, ape two also picked yellow!

[Crowd reacts]

Magistrate: Why that can't be possible! Apes are not that intelligent. Let ape three have the chips now.

[The ape takes its time looking at each color and then at Catharsis.]

Catharsis: [whispering] Waneta, you did talk to all of the apes right?

Waneta: [whispering back] Yes, but this one is a female. She needs a little extra attention from you to get her favors. Purse your lips at her to show some affection and you will be just fine.

[A moment after Catharsis purses his lips]

Officer Joe: Judge, the ape picked yellow!

[Crowd gasps in amazement and starts talking]

Magistrate: Order, order in this court! I can't believe my eyes. These dumb animals made you free boy! As magistrate, I did give my word so we will let you go free. You best get out of this County while you still can. It's best that you fellas never show up here again. Officer Joe, escort them to the County line.

Addison: Let's go guys before they put us up on some other charges, and I will drive this time.