Spiritual Humor Presents - Miracle Man Brings Alzheimer and Coma Patients back to the Living
Head Nurse: Ah, you must be Dr. Parkinson. That is quite an interesting name for someone who is here to do research with our dementia and coma patients.
Dr. Parkinson: Yes, I suppose you can say the research is my namesake. Would you please show me where my office is?
Head Nurse: See that yellow line on the floor there; not the crayon mark but the other one? [Yes I do] Follow that all the way down the corridor there until you see the red line, and then you follow that all the way down to the elevators. Take the elevator down to the basement. When you get off the elevator follow the green line past the morgue, pinch yourself to make sure you are still alive, and then your office is two doors down on the left. Any questions?
Dr. Parkinson: Hhhmmm…yellow, red, elevator, green, morgue and two offices down from there…I think I got it, thanks.
[Later while Dr. Parkinson is settling into his office]
Knock, knock
Dr. Parkinson: Come in.
Reggie: Hello, my name is Reggie, and I have been assigned as your research assistant.
Dr. Parkinson: Pleased to meet you, Reggie. It looks like this facility has a large population base for me to work with. Can you please show me around now so that I can see some of the patients?
Reggie: Sure, no problem, shall we start with the dementia cases?
Dr. Parkinson: That sounds good, and I will need you to fill me in on all the treatments conducted here so that I may see how I should proceed.
[After visiting some of the patients]
Dr. Parkinson: Reggie, it looks like you keep the patients clean and well fed. That's great. Now, I have to warn you that some of my methods may be a little unorthodox and I like to keep them to myself until I know that they may be effective. So, I will need you to do the transportations, help with the administering of any drugs, etc., but when I am seeing patients you are to stay out of the examination room, is that clear?
Reggie: Well, it does sound a little strange but okay. You are the one with the diploma and are supposed to know what you are doing.
Dr. Parkinson: Good, I will start working with the dementia patients and go from there.
[A month later]
Reggie: I don't know what you are doing with your dementia patients but they are starting to function a little better. I see some of them walking with more dignity and some actually remember who I am!
Dr. Parkinson: That is excellent. It appears that I am getting close to a breakthrough. You can help by making sure that the staff does not play any of that boring elevator type music to the patients from now on.
Reggie: But that type of music has been shown to keep them quiet and docile, you know, asleep.
Dr. Parkinson: Exactly, and this is why I do not want them to hear it any more. I will start bringing in my own special equipment to help the patients become more alert and so forth.
[Two weeks later]
Reggie: Dr. Parkinson, what on earth are you doing with these patients? Mrs. Habernathy grabbed my butt today and made some indecent gestures about visiting her tonight in her room. Many of the patients are asking why they are here and when they can leave! Quite frankly, I don't think we have enough staff to handle them like this. Some of the nurses are starting to complain to the administration about it.
Dr. Parkinson: Yes, I can see where that may be a problem. Start scheduling the most alert patients for a discharge interview with any of their remaining family members or legal custodians. I am going to start working with the comatose patients now.
Reggie: If you say so, but if you have the same kind of success with them as you are having with the dementia group, we may be in big trouble!
Dr. Parkinson: You are a good man, Reggie, just let me handle it and you will be okay.
[A week later]
Hospital Administrator: Dr. Parkinson, it has come to my attention that your research has been quite effective. We have dementia patients that are functioning normally now, and we even have had a coma patient become conscious recently.
Dr. Parkinson: Yes, isn't that wonderful! My research is really paying off. I can't wait to get authorization to go ahead on a wider basis.
Hospital Administrator: May I be frank with you Dr. Parkinson? [Of course] Many of these patients were placed here by families, guardians, and trustees with the idea that they would never leave again. Some of them are starting to complain about it with one actually threatening to take us to court for malpractice. We cannot afford a large lawsuit right now. I am afraid we are going to have to suspend your research until the complaints blow over.
[The hospital has been sued and the trial is in progress]
Bailiff: Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth so help you God?
Mr. Baker: I do.
Attorney for the Plaintiffs: <typical stuff-shirt attorney> Mr. Baker, do you testify that you are the same Mr. Baker that was institutionalized for Alzheimer's ten years ago? In other words, Dr. Parkinson or some other person did not pay you to impersonate the original Mr. Baker.
Mr. Baker: I am that same person! You can check my dental records if you don't believe me!
Attorney for the Plaintiffs: Well, if this is true Mr. Baker, then this is nothing short of a miracle! Do you expect the court to believe in miracles Mr. Baker?
Mr. Baker: Whether it is a miracle or not what Dr. Parkinson did with me works!
Attorney for the Plaintiffs: Speaking of Dr. Parkinson, can you describe for the court about the procedures used by him to treat you?
Mr. Baker: I am sorry, but I swore to Dr. Parkinson to not divulge any of the treatment details until he had finished his research. All of the patients agreed to not tell anyone as part of the treatment program.
Attorney for the Plaintiffs: Well, isn't that just convenient. Your Honor, I would like to call Dr. Parkinson to the stand now to find out what this treatment was.
Judge: <deep voice of authority> You may step down now Mr. Baker. Bailiff call Dr. Parkinson to the stand.
[Dr. Parkinson on the stand giving testimony]
Attorney for the Plaintiffs: Your Honor, I consider Dr. Parkinson to be evasive in his answers and to be downright hostile. After repeated questioning, we have not gotten anything substantial from him about his treatment methods. We need those to help validate our malpractice claims.
Judge: Dr. Parkinson please answer the questions in more detail or I am afraid I will have to place you in contempt of court.
Dr. Parkinson: Judge, my work is extremely valuable and important to me, the patients it has helped, and many others to come. I am afraid that I cannot give out any real details about it because others will attempt to steal my work, possibly assassinate me, and charge a lot of money for its use.
Judge: It does seem to me that your work is quite important, but since the trial cannot proceed until you answer in detail about your work, I am forced to place you in jail until you do. Maybe some time in a cell with some unsavory characters will help with your cooperation. While you are in jail, I order a peer review to take place on your work.
[In jail]
Inmate: What are you in here for?
Dr. Parkinson: I am a doctor and refused to answer some questions about my research.
Inmate 2: <unsavory character> You are a doc, can you take a look at my bunions for me?
Inmate 3: Can you take a look at my back?
Dr. Parkinson: I do not specialize in those areas but sure, I can take a look if you like. My real specialty is in brain disorders.
Inmate: Well, heck, I think most of us in here have a brain disorder doc! [shoot yeah!] What can you do for us?
[Two months later back in court]
Judge: I am glad you finally came to your senses Dr. Parkinson. I have been getting reports about your work with the inmates during your incarceration. You must indeed work miracles. The deputies there say they never had any major problems after you entered the inmate population. We can certainly learn much from you. Why did you agree to divulge your work now?
Dr. Parkinson: Well, your Honor, while I was in jail I finished up with some of my research, and besides many of the inmates agreed to send the word out on the street to have me protected from any corporate types trying to steal my work and so forth. I also had time to patent my work while in jail.
Judge: Okay, well, let's move the court proceedings down to your research office and see what you did. I have to say I am extremely curious about it.
[Later at the office]
Dr. Parkinson: In addition to changing the diet and therapy routine of the patients, I incorporated some novel light and music therapy as some of my patients will now demonstrate to you. Feel free to join in if you are moved to.
[All of the sudden the lights dim, a disco ball lights up, and a conga line forms to the music]
Attorney for the Plaintiff: Why that is nothing but a disco ball and music! This is nonsense your Honor.
Judge: That may be so, but I move to dismiss the case. This is fun!