Spiritual Humor Presents - Pickup Artist Teaching a Class on the Subject
[Narrator introducing skit]: We look in on John as he tries once again to meet a woman he finds attractive and within his age range.
John: Hello, I noticed you sitting over here and I wanted to introduce myself. My name is John.
Woman: Hi John, look you seem to be a nice guy but I am not interested.
John: Was it something I said?
Woman: No, you are just too nice and that is not the type of man I am interested in. Perhaps you should try the local church or bingo parlor.
[Sitting up at the bar]
Man at the bar: <cool dude> Hey buddy, I couldn't help but notice that you got shut down by that pretty thing over there.
John: Yes, that's true. I just don't get it. You hear about women wanting to meet a nice guy, but I just do not seem to be getting anywhere. It's really frustrating.
Man at the bar: Listen, I know a guy that used to have the same problem as you do. He decided to change the game around and now he is very successful at teaching men how to pick up women. He even taught me a few things!
John: Do you think he could help me?
Man at the bar: That's not a problem buddy, here's his card. Give him a call soon, because his next class is starting this week.
John: Thanks a lot, I think I will.
[Narrator]: After having made contact with the local master pickup artist Steve, we listen in on the class John is attending.
Steve: Welcome everyone. As some of you may know, my name is Steve and I have developed a reputation for being able to show others how to pick up women. Before we get into the juicy stuff, I would like each of you to tell us why you are here tonight. Let's start over here on my left and work ourselves around clockwise. For those of you who do not know what clockwise is, it is going from my left and ending up around here on my right. Let's start with you.
Male One: <timid sounding> Well, uh, er, the reason I am here tonight is because I, uh, would like to meet a woman and get married.
Steve: That's nice son. I can already see why you are having problems getting together with a woman. You lack self-confidence. No quality woman wants a man that lacks confidence. Don't worry about it, by the time you finish this course you will be just fine. Next!
John: I am here to learn from the master on how to meet and date a good woman.
Steve: That was a good use of flattery. I sense that your problem is that women see you as being too nice of a guy. Most women like a little naughty in a relationship if you know what I mean. That's not a problem, you came to the right place. Next!
Male Two (an old man): Hello. My wife died a couple of years ago, and I am here to meet a woman that I can have fun doing activities with.
Steve: How old are you pops? Things might be a little different since the last time you cast your fishing line into the water. Is your pole still working? Never mind, I can help you too. Next!
Male Three: I am here to see what all the fuss is about. Maybe I will learn something new.
Steve: How young are you, are you even shaving yet? Okay, now a little about myself. I was just like some of you here today. I lacked self-confidence and was a little shy when it came to women. That all changed when I got rejected for the umpteenth time.
I was actually out on a blind double date that my friend had set up for me. My friend and his date decided to go their separate way, and my date left me stranded at the bar we were at. She left without saying a word to me. Now this bar was like out in no-man's land. Well, long-story short, I got beat up and robbed while hitchhiking my way back home and was left for dead.
I swore that if I lived, I would never let a woman play mind games and do that to me again. Here I stand before you a changed man with a few more scars, and a whole lot more experience when it comes to women. Now you can benefit from that experience! Let's open our notebooks up to page five and get started.
[Later in the class]
Steve: okay, so to wrap it up for the day let's sum up the techniques I want you to try over the weekend.
Okay, you all have your assignments. We will all meet up at the bar I mentioned. I will be there for support and advice as you actually put your new knowledge to work. Good luck everyone.
[The students are sitting around a table in the bar]
Man Two (old man): I think I might be a little outdated for all the women in this place. I will just watch you three go to work. At least I might learn something from it.
John: You know, I just might know someone that might be interested in you. Her name is Sally and she is a wonderful older woman. She really taught me a lot about myself. You two just might hit it off.
Man Three: What about you John, what seems to be your problem with women?
John: For some strange reason, many women feel I am too nice of a guy. I guess I will have to try the macho thing tonight. It really is a shame that in order to meet a woman that I cannot really be myself. Sally, the woman I mentioned earlier, said I should always be true to my real self.
Man Three: She may be right about that John. Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet; one who can fully appreciate you as you are.
John: That may be the case but how long should I wait around hoping that she will eventually show up? I am not getting any younger.
Man Three: Perhaps, but I still think you should be yourself. If you guys will please excuse me, I need to go freshen…I mean go to the men's room.
[About twenty minutes later]
Steve: What are you guys sitting around here for? You will never gain any confidence unless you get out there and apply the principles. I am here if you need any advice.
John: Wow, look at the woman who just walked in. I wouldn't mind meeting her! What tactic do you think I should use Steve?
Steve: Let me see. She seems to be fairly sophisticated and has good taste, so the nice guy thing is out. Try the macho routine. Go get her John!
[John walks over to the woman]
John: Hello, cupcakes, you mind if I sit down?
Woman: Suit yourself.
John: Barkeep, get the lady another of whatever she is drinking, and I will have whiskey straight up. By the way, my name is John, what's yours?
Woman: The name is Georgina, and thanks for the drink.
John: You know, that striped purse you have there reminds me of when I was on safari in Africa a few years ago…
[An hour passes by]
John: Georgina, I apologize. I noticed that I have been doing most of the talking here.
Woman: I think the time for talking is over John. Let's go to your place.
John: Huh? I mean, uh, sure thing. Let's blow this joint. [Steve gives John a thumb's up as he and Georgina walk past]
Steve: Well, pops, it looks like John was successful. I wonder whatever happened to that boyish looking student who was here. He did say he was going to the men's room right? Some people give up early. Let's call it a night.
[John and Georgina arrive at John's place]
John: [cat meowing] Hello, girl, come here little precious. [John smooches at the cat] I mean come get your food cat. [Going into a more macho voice] What am I doing? I sure hope Georgina did not notice me smooching at the cat.
Georgina: Do you always greet your cat that way, John? I certainly did not expect that type of behavior from a guy like you, let alone having a cat in the first place.
John: Well, uh, you need to loosen up a bit woman. Why don't you sit on over there and I will get us a couple of drinks.
Georgina: Okay. From looking around at your apartment, it doesn't seem to fit a guy as macho as yourself. Something seems out of place. Hhhhhmmmmmm
John: Well, I wasn't really expecting any company tonight cupcakes.
Georgina: That's not what I mean, John, and I think you know it. I get the feeling something isn't quite right here. I think I will leave now.
John: Alright, alright…I am not really a macho kind of guy. I was just burned too many times by being myself and I thought I would try something different. I just wanted to meet a great woman and you sure seem to be her.
Georgina: So, are you being honest with me now, John? Sally told me you were a really good guy.
John: Sally, what, you know Sally?!
Georgina: Yes, she told me all about you. She knew that we would probably be a good match and sent me to save you before you turned into another egomaniac like Steve.
John: You know about Steve too?!
Georgina: Yes, I was in your class. I excused myself from the table and changed into this. Do you like this look better?
John: Boy, I'll say I do! Sally, huh? What a special woman she is. She was right. I just had to be myself and wait for the right woman. I really am sorry for acting like a macho man. Can we start over?
Georgina: Yes, John, I would like that very much. Now how about that drink, can we make it some tea?